Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
