Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
