Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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