Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
it's great music for shaving your balls
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
