Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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