I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Randomize
