i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
