benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
