Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Randomize
