just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Randomize
