She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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