You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
