So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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