Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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