I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I can't trust your balls anymore.
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