I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
