Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
This is the high leading the old right now
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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