I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
