i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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