Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
