I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
and i looked up. we had an audience...
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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