You smell like stripper and shame
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
