I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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