Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
