The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
