babies were throwing up all over the place
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
