my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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