she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
