like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
