I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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