Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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