She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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