You really coming over, don't trick.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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