We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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