I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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