Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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