Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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