Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
