i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
