he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
