I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
