I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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