I think I am morally bankrupt
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
