1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
