how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
