connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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