Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Randomize
