Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
