Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
