I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
