i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
COCAINE IS GR8
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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