We're facebook friends in real life
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
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