the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
