my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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